The oxygen pulling away from my heart is paralyzed by the thought of you. An intervention couldn’t tame the way my soul pulsates for you. To say I feel the urge to be a tad bit selfish with you right now is an understatement. You see I’ve traveled to the edge of the universe and back just to find you.

I’m not sure if I blinked. I force myself to look away, but cheat and find your reflection. I don’t care about being right or wrong. When you find someone that makes you feel this way, this happy, you don’t effing blink. You just go be happy. You are my happy.

My thoughts trip over each other like teen girls backstage at an N’Sync concert. Tonight is the best night of my life. I know the odds of it repeating are one in million if I don’t get that kiss right.

We’re pushing midnight with the music burning through the club speakers. My mind is only on you. You could whisper across the dance floor and I’d hear your melody clearly. God, I want to kiss you…

We lock eyes as we press our bodies against each other. Seeing you has ruined my idea of beautiful for all of eternity. The sides of your lips curl as you smile that type of smile that make men feel like Kings. Our cheeks touch. My senses run in overload. Your scent is my air. Your skin is my lifeline. I’m literally aching to kiss you…

I’m not hiding it. You have to know by now how much I need you. I’m just waiting for the right moment, for the chorus to break, for that chance to call you mine. They say the first kiss determines whether a girl feels this is going anywhere. A lot’s riding on this — thank you dude who invented chapstick.

I can see it now… I’ll slide my hand near the slip of your dress down the side of your back. I’ll dominate you in the sweetest way as I take the nook of your neck and pull you in tighter. I can see it now. I’ll bite your lower lip; you’ll never forget this kiss. If it goes any further I swear I’ll do things to you that are illegal in seven states including California.

It finally happens. The music brakes… I run my hands through your silky hair. I tease you into thinking I’ll have you now. I slow down just one degree away from your lips. It’s sacrilegious but it is just one degree for now.


A drunk spills beer all over your dress. The moment is assassinated. But if it was there once, that means it can be there again… right?

Having your material read is A LOT like an almost kiss. It’s blue balls of the heart. It’s not getting any for two weeks, seven hours, thirty-three minutes and forty-two seconds. It’s forgetting where you saw the 8th wonder of the world. It’s a text conversation with no destination. “And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think…”

The whole story writing process is like dating.

Take the last script I wrote SUPERUSER street name = SuperSmexyStuff! An idea pitched to me by the great Mat Calica. A story that asks, “What if Steve Jobs were Tony Soprano?” Check out the website here:


Like love (and a long list of STDs), it finds you when you’re not ready. I was in an awful place when Matty told me about this gem. Thinking back, I don’t think he wanted to tell me. We were hanging out and stories (much like love and STDs) complicate things. We were just doing our friend thang and Matty being Mat could tell I needed a friend.

But if you know me, you know I’m a hopeless romantic. I managed to get the idea out of Matty and within two minutes I told him I was going to go to town on this story.

I know, I should have said that after ten seconds.


Months were spent working on this script. I am not kidding when I say I lost my identity to her. But you have too. If you want her she’s worth new levels of schizophrenia. And let me assure you Good Lookin’ SuperSmexyStuff! is a groovy reason to go insane.

In this stage you work on your lines. You learn how to talk to each other. You find each others rhythm. You get good at looking good together.

P.D.A. IT!

Until the time comes where you want to be seen in public with SuperSmexyStuff! And trust me, the way her ba-donka-donk pops in that black dress you NEED people to see you with her.

You tell your friends. Friends of friends start asking about it. This could be the one. You start passing around your pitch like a fresh joint from Columbia. Soon peoples eyes are lighting up.

They’re reading it!


This is the stage that drives me batshit mental. I can handle feedback. I can handle rejection. But waiting for you to figure out your feelings I just can’t do. I spiral out of control. I develop pointless hobbies like running long distance. I hate running and do it all the time because of this waiting game.

But you gotta give it time. You have to be strong. The longer you wait, the better it feels. Hopefully you’re not a Night Owl like me. If you are cursed as I am, know I’m here for you. Hit me up.

Or find—


Your rebound is out there and she is a perfect distraction to this lovely dilemma. Only thing… I personally don’t believe in rebounds. Never have. When I start a new idea THAT is MY world and I am a slut for her. Don’t even look at her. I’m not the jealous type but I don’t play when it comes to this stuff.

Hmmm…I guess that’s why I’m in the next stage below. I’m emotional about this. I realize I may need help.


Like I said, I don’t care about being right or wrong. I just care about us being good.

I’m a huge pusher for couple’s therapy. You can’t give up. If you do, I will never forgive you. Do what you must and make this right. Stop being so damn proud, stop being a chicken — Go to couples therapy and fix your story!

“But when is it time to go Kiiiiiiirk?”

Biologically everything you do is building to that kiss to ultimately land you some coitus. There are many red flags that foreshadow an avalanche that may prevent this journey from climaxing.

The two most common ones: If you’re seen with her and getting bland feedback. If you can’t get the family and friends to approve you and your idea why would a stranger at Universal Studios?

Some of you may feel they should butt out. I advise against that. Better to hear what’s said then the silent treatment which is nail number dos by the way. Any girl I’ve ever been with knows I can’t stand this. Silence to a story for more than one week means it’s going through hospice.

“Okay, well what do I do?”

Don’t say goodbye. One of my favorite posts on SuperSmexyStuff! found here says ignore the naysayers. Writing is rewriting. I joined a writers group (aka couples therapy) and we’re work shopping SuperSmexyStuff! Find a group who will challenge you to be better. Accept the old draft is dead and dying but a new version is waiting for you to discover.


There’s no point making “art” (ugh, I hate that word. Perhaps another post I’ll explain why) if no one is ever going to see it. You have to put yourself out there. People need to see what you’re about otherwise this is just a carpal tunnel bound hobby.

You gotta twerk it up a little. You really do. I’m gonna be very blunt here, “Umm what were you doing before Sir Kirkus?” Shhhh… don’t do that. You’re so pretty when you don’t say things like that XD

If you have a story to tell — TELL IT!

It’s a long process. You love birds are gonna fight, breakup, not speak for months, but remember if there was once a spark it will ALWAYS be there… unless you give up on it.

Rule #24 Don’t just go through the motions. Kiss me.