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What are you gonna do with forever now?

posted Aug 20, 2013, 10:42 AM by Kirk Deis   [ updated Jun 1, 2015, 8:02 PM ]
This eats me to the bone but truth be told I want to quit. 

I want so badly to run away to a System of A Down concert and hide forever in the crowd.  I want to hang up this writer mask and just be normal.  I want the blue pill.   

Instead I feel like I’m counting the arms of a suicide watch as I eat cereal swimming in mercury while I bake in direct sunlight.  I have sincerely walked away from this industry half a dozen times.  But like a crack-whore I just can’t say no to this smack. 

My gypsy soul is to blame.  We are who we are, no matter how much we wish we weren’t. 

No one ever warned me how deep this rabbit hole gets.  I’m not blaming anyone.  There’s no way to prepare for the darkness when all that’s on your mind is the dream. 

But before you take that first leap you need to ask yourself -- are you ready to live life like a convict on the run waiting for the day that knock on your door arrives and you realize the gig is up?  Well… are ya?

The film industry is a Business with a capital B.  Leave your story drama at home and brace yourself because if you don’t want to quit you’re not trying hard enough.  If you’re not scared about tomorrow then you’ve lost your way.  If you can’t imagine yourself giving up on your dreams, it’s not a dream.   

They say persistence is the key to making it in this industry.  Personally fear is what drives me.  Fear is why we lock our doors at night.  Fear is what made caveman hunt mammoths.  Fear is why we still put up with American Idol.

It’s primal.  A raw emotion that one day you’ll realize is your best friend.  “Come again Kirkegaard?”  Being scared tells you it’s worth something.  Being scared reminds you, you’re not there yet.  There’s room to grow.  Being scared, truly bleeping scared will show you just how bad you want this taco dip.

“But I already know that I want this.” 

Of course you do grasshopper and nothing in the world will ever stop you from saving Princess Peach.  Hold onto that quest.  Surround yourself with people who are scared with you, not for you.  Quit once or twice and get your fine ass back here for that makeup-sex!

Being down isn’t a good place to stay.  And I promise you, you will hit new levels of rock bottom.  You will lose yourself to this fantasy.  You will be sick and uninspired with nowhere to turn.  And so many people won’t understand your whys.  “Why do you keep trying?  Why do you keep wishing?  Why do you do this to yourself?” 

Yes, this is ALL YOUR FAULT and no, I don’t feel sorry for you.  And you shouldn’t either.  Don’t you dare justify this stage in the game as “paying your dues.”  Eff that!  And don’t tell the people around you what they want to hear.  Say it for what it is.  Look at yourself in the mirror and smile.

Do you know how many people quit and never came back?  Do you know how many people had the fairy dust wash off?  You didn’t though.  You’re still here.  Hmmm… well the night is still young, right? ;)  

Forever is a long time.  It’s equivalent to repeating high school.  It’s okay to be scared.  It’s fine to feel hurt.  You have to know this for yourself.  Until you embrace all sides of this journey you will never know what makes you - YOU.   

Rule #54 You can lie to the entire world but at the end of the day there’s no lying to yourself.

-Kirk

PS.  Boo!