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I Have Stalkers!

posted Oct 16, 2013, 1:49 AM by Kirk Deis   [ updated Jun 1, 2015, 7:58 PM ]
A lesser person wouldn’t know how to deal with his premature-15 minutes of fame.  They would block certain people on Facebook, moderate comments, maybe even hide their email address in shame, but not yours truly.  I own my sexy.            

Tonight our pillow talk is dedicated not just to the stalker community but to MY lovely stalkers! 

Hi gang, love ya :)

The count as it stands is 5.  Not to brag, but that’s almost one person per week.   I’ve never look forward to the holiday season soooo much.  Just in case anyone is wondering, I look dreamy in purple. 

Now I’m not here to take advantage of anyone.  But I am making moves.  I want to connect with my readers in a deeper level so in order to respect their privacy I won’t reveal their full names, locations, or photos (yes photos were unexpectedly sent.  Stop with all the judgment.  Jeez.) BUTTTTT I will answer some questions/comments they’ve fired my way.

Before we get this ball of fun rolling some of you are probably feeling a bit jelly inside and are wondering what it takes to make the list -- understandable. 

These fantastic 5 stalkers are labeled my special stalkers because…they have done either one or all of the following actions:  Blown up my email/website, somehow found my phone number and called me at 7am, texted me at 7:05 am asking why I didn’t pick up, left comments on my website (and/or social media sites our pillow talks can be found at), been kinda creepy (You know who you are!), said or did something that made me look up CA state laws – okay you guys get the idea… let’s get to the nitty-gritty already!  

STALKER QUESTIONS/COMMENTS (IN NO SPECIAL ORDER STALKER COMMUNITY – I HEART YOU ALL EQUALLY):  

1.  Email:  Can you get me a date with a Cannibal?

NO. 

For those just tuning in I built this website dedicated to a show I created called The Cannibals Next Door.  Here’s a link – it’s a story about a family of Cannibals on the run.  Keyword: STORY.

And even if I knew a real life cannibal I don’t know you well enough to set you up homie.  How would that conversation even go down? 

"Oh hey Kaley, soooo Mitch really wants to take you out on a date and go miniature golfing and get a slice of pizza with ya.  He's a cool guy, really homie.  I think you should give him a shot he isn't a vegetarian don't cha know." 

Hmmm... maybe I'm overreacting.  You had me at miniature golfing.     

2.  Text:  Aliens are coming to abduct all the sexy people, don’t worry!  You should be safe I'm only texting to say bye.

This one made me laugh.  It’s cute even for a stalker right?  Come on.  It is.  Don’t be mean. 

Not sure how my number was found, but to get a call then a text like this well it doesn’t feel as weird as one would think.   The text built a level of rapport in a twisted way.

Only thang… I’m a pretty sucky text replier.  I don’t think I ever said bye.  Hmmm… can MetroPcs send text signals to outer-outer space?  Anyone know?  Trying to right a wrong here guys.  Let's not keep karma waiting. 

3.  Email:  Who is this mystery girl you keep writing about?  Is it me?  Can it be me?

Owwww… I get this doozy A LOT.  It’s a juicy one.  Readers are catching on that I reference a mystery gal maybe once or twice per post.  And everyone is suspect.  Her name is…nah I can’t tell you that. 

BUT I WILL.  Just not tonight.  Remember, Batman doesn’t just wear a mask because it’s cool.

Whaaaat Kirk?”  I’m saying I have a code, yes just like Batman!  Eventually it makes sense to put everything out in the open but not tonight. 

But who is she Kirk?!”  Right now it’s not you.  

But could it be you?  I don’t know.  Maybe.  You stalkers -- so forward, my-my.

4.  Email:  Have you thought about writing erotic pieces?

I am.  All I do is write Triple-X Hardcore NSFW Word Porn.  My bedroom is better than a peephole party at the Playboy Mansion.  Or so I hear. 

And yes I am open to writing other styles as well.  And I mean anything.  Feel free to leave me a story/idea/pillow talk post below or email me at Kirkusm@gmail.com and if I dig it I’ll write about it.                

5.  And wrapping up our stalker questionnaire:  Children in my country fight AIDS with more conviction.

If you check out my publications you’ll find a list of my word porn pieces surfing the internet.  That comment came as a result of this article where I offended an army of Halo-Heads.

I also give dating advice, talk about how to diss someone one level before that point of them wanting to cut themselves, and even write about Nintendo being a racist madda effer. 

But Halo gets alllllll the attention?  Que sara sera I guess.

FINAL THOUGHTS…

That wasn’t so bad was it?  I don’t need to hire bodyguards right?    

In all honesty I appreciate the feedback, comments, likes, reposts, hate mail, yes even calls from you readers.  So thanks and thanks in advance.  It’s nice to hear back from you guys every now and then.

You 5 were my first 5 stalkers.  Daaaaw.  We just had a moment.  We should all get together and do a stalker brunch or something soon.

Dueces!

Rule # 136 Things are never as weird as they appear to be.  On that note, when things are great admit they’re great because it may be awhile before it’s ever that great again.

-Kirk

PS.  Don’t ever call me at 7am again!  Who does that?  Seriously.  -_-  LOVE YA!